Third Eye
Menopause. It often brings with it a cornucopia of dreaded symptoms – weight gain, memory loss, bad hair days, bad skin days, mood swings, depression – you’ve heard the litany. It leaves some women just the way it found them but for many, it is a life altering experience. I’ve been preparing for it but it seems set to exceed all expectations.
What I hadn’t bargained for, though, was the one magical effect of the hormones playing Russian roulette (testosterone up, oestrogen down). In my case, the rising testosterone level has coincided with an end to years of diffidence and meekness. I’m unsure how much of it to attribute to the hormones and how much to age, maturity or experience. Possibly, it’s a blend of all four. It’s been coming on for a couple of years now – this liberating powerful feeling. I wonder if this is why men instinctively feel defensive around women of my age (forty seven and loving it) – are we suddenly too much for them, are they plain uncomfortable with so called male traits manifesting in hitherto softly feminine selves? Strong, aggressive, powerful, but in our own unique way? I imagine that women burnt at the stake, branded witches, were quite possibly women like me, with their hormones in free fall. But more than that, they had stopped giving a damn for what society thought or people said. Sophie Heawood says this: ‘the older I get, the more I see how women are described as having gone mad when what they’ve actually become is knowledgeable and powerful and fucking furious.’ Right on.
I know and admire many women, strong, powerful, intelligent humans who took on a world largely tilted in favour of men and gave it the middle finger. As a friend says, giving zero fucks. They did not wait for hormonal changes. They fought and strove and found their rightful place. I see that same light shining in the eyes of many young women today and I, for one, think that the world is a better place for their non conformist, genuinely feminist lives lived in equality and dignity. But I am one amongst the many women who spent the first thirty to forty years of our lives conditioned to behave, not act out or act up, to always conform and adjust. Let me face facts, I was an inhibited, tight-assed snob. I worried too much about appearances. What would people say? What would they think? All the worn out clichés of gender roles applied to me. In short, all form, not much substance. For me, then, this hormonal roller coaster I’m on has definitely been the most liberating experience of my life.
It is as if the third eye is open, blazing, incandescent. That mystical, powerful inner sight which is attributed to higher beings and Gods. I’m neither on a higher plane of consciousness nor particularly enlightened. But there is a clarity of thought and sensation that was absent before. I feel a greater sensitivity to the physical world, and a heightened perception of right and wrong, which battles are worth fighting for and which ones to walk away from. An appreciation of the small things that make life worth the living. A fading away of old worn out thoughts and habits. I find that I don’t want my old aquiscient self back. I don’t want to swallow my words or spend time on people or emotions who have no time for me. Most of all, I can’t bring myself to care much for what people think of me. My conscience is working just fine, thank you. I’m trying very hard to be completely honest with myself. It’s often a struggle and I have no energy to waste on platitudes and shallow conversations. I can walk away unhurt from insults and hard words. And regret is no longer an option. Don’t look back, let it go, leave it be: these truths work better for me now.
Strength. There is a new found ability to stand up for myself, to speak up, speak out. A deeper faith in self, a faith which was too often shaky and doubting in the not so distant past. An acceptance of circumstances, learning to work with what I have instead of fighting against what is, in the faint hope of what may never be.
Anger, yes. A strong anger, healthy and useful. Directed towards no one in particular, but which has helped awaken an awareness of injustice around me and point the way to solutions. At first, the anger stunned me. I thought it was righteous, opinionated and parochial. So I tried to bank the flames, hide the rage. But I realise now that this anger is a clean fire. A fire which activates positive, objective action. I can live with this anger burning inside me.
Empathy and understanding. So much empathy in my mind for far flung causes, seemingly unconnected to my life. The world is suddenly in my backyard and I am equally a part of this wide, wonderful world. I find that I care deeply for the Earth and its life and future. Paradoxically, the more the world comes to me, the more I feel able to give of myself to my family and friends.
Love and breath. Both come easily as never before. The days of withholding love and words of love are gone. I’m done with silences and shallow breaths. Watch out for this crazy woman. I figure I’ve lived half my life keeping secrets, omitting words, hiding my truth. I’ve lost too many people I love before I could figure out how to express what they meant to me. There’s not much gained by keeping quiet when most of us are dying to hear those three words. Not the meaningless ‘love you’ at the end of every phone call or every time you step out of the room. But to step up, look someone special in the eye and tell them I Love You. This is important to me. I don’t expect anything in return. But I don’t want to grow old and withered and bitter because I stayed silent. I know now that denial of love is useless. So is resistance to it. And the relief of saying it out loud is exquisite. I know this too.
This opening of the third eye has been mind altering. I didn’t set out to open it consciously. No great quest or yatra or path led to it either. Just life and my body and growing into both. I like not feeling sad and guilty and regretful. I like looking at the world with a clear head and wide open eyes (three of them!). I really really like the feeling of power and strength flowing through me.
If all this euphoria has a simple chemical explanation, it means I may soon be dealing with the nasty side effects of haywire hormones. So be it. My third eye and I can deal with it. Menopause? Bring it on.